I'm listening
to a recording of Carib Pan Jammers playing "One for De Savannah," their
1997 Panorama tune. It's bringing back a feeling of nostalgia from the
days when I knew nothing about the inner workings of the pan fraternity:
the trash-talking,
the womanizing, the politics, the favoritism, the controversies, or any
of that. I can remember spending hours watching my '97 Panorama video
and being amazed at the pannists, especially the basses. It wasn't about
watching the guys...it was about the amazing passion the players showed,
the marvelous music, and the synchronization of the bass players hands
as they did their thing.
Back then I wanted to be part of a steelband so bad, I ached for it.
My hands itched to play. But I also wanted to be part of a band's "in"
crowd, respected by some of the people in authority in a band. I wanted
to be taken under someone's wings as "special" and "talented," and I wanted
to have some influence on what was done. I wanted to be a part of the
inner workings.
Don't sit too close at the ballet: it spoils the illusion.
For the past couple of years I have been trying to recapture that sense
of awe in pan, an awe which has been replaced by increasing disillusionment
at all of the negative things going on in the pan fraternity. I have talked,
I have listened to others talk, and things have remained the same all
over.
The
same politics happen. The same trash-talking happens. The same favoritism
happens. Horning is rampant all the way up the chain of authority, even
to a band's arranger in some cases, and people turn a blind eye to it.
The same the same the same... It's tiring and disgusting and almost ruins
what would otherwise be a glorious musical experience for me. (Because
of all of this, I was *happy* to miss T&T Panorama 2004, to spend that
night enjoying the final night performances from the comfort of my living
room, instead of being back in Trinidad. If I hadn't had to cancel due
to financial constraints, I probably would have chosen to miss it, anyway.)
But somehow, underneath all of that garbage, the MUSICAL passion is still
in me, and that is what keeps me coming back despite all of the mess and
unnecessary drama.
You know what would help? Here it is: not knowing
what is going on in a band outside of what notes to play, the names of
my fellow players, what time to report to the yard, and whom I can go
to for help when I am struggling with a part. The pan articles and band
meetings and online forums are so much repetitive talking with no action
behind it, it isn't even funny. In general, they waste my time. People
lay down the law, others break the law, and absolutely nothing is done.
"But THIS time will be different!" I have been told, but it never is.
People cry out for unification with one side of their mouths, then with
the other side they put down someone's arranging as "not real music" and
other arrogant declarations. Using the media and online forums as their
pulpit, sore losers trash-talk others' achievements, and sore winners
all but spit on everyone else's heads... and they would actually spit,
if they thought they could get away with it. The politics and all inside
and out side the bands remain the same. That's why I've mostly stopped
following individual band news and pan news worldwide. I don't want to
know what's going on, because what's said is often either biased and incomplete
(if not an outright lie) or
unrealistically optimistic and head-in-the-sand-ish. It's enough to give
me indigestion.
Yet, when I remove all of that from my mind and just lose myself in the
music, no matter what band is playing it, no matter who likes who and
who dislikes the other and whose score sheet doesn't add up and who slants
the competition results in this,
that,
or the other one's favor, when I am able to filter out the harsh human
voices and focus solely on the instrument's voice, I feel that passion,
once more. I remember the vibrations that called to me from thousands
of miles away during a lunchtime picnic in Syracuse, NY. I remember following
those vibes to Port of Spain for Panorama Finals 1998 on the evening of
my 29th birthday. I remember pushing the bright, yellow bass pans of Trinidad
All Stars through the streets that Carnival Tuesday on a freshly-sprained
ankle, knowing nothing about the band except that they were the band which
raised my pores a few nights prior, and I wanted to hear them play, again.
I remember making up my mind to learn to play, returning 3 years later
with bass sticks in hand, and, against all odds, making All Stars' Panorama
side. I remember feeling the music from the crown of my head to the soles
of my feet, no matter which band I was listening to. I remember...
I don't want to just remember. I want to live it, again.
Wanda McCrae
ps -
For the past couple evenings
since I wrote that essay I have been watching my old Panorama videos.
Putting aside all of the negative realities and judgments for or against
one pan side or the other, I just focus on the energy in the music
and the passion of all of the players. It's wonderful.
My passion is returning. I've missed it.
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